Early last month, I was in church for a mid-week service and we were praying for miracle marriages, and judging by the volume and weight of my ‘Amen’ to those prayers, it dawned on me that I am gradually approaching the “Oh Lord! Let my husband locate me!” phase.
It all started sometime ago when I overheard my mother and aunt talking about a certain girl who had gotten married before her graduation. My mother said that the girl was very smart because she didn’t keep the man waiting with all the “I am not ready” responses which “most girls usually give”.
“You are not ready, you are not ready, then when will you be ready?” She asked, to which my aunt replied,
“That’s how they will keep doing and when they’re finally ready all the men that were asking have gone to marry other women”.
These words struck me deeply. For some days after hearing that, I kept thinking about myself, what if that happens to me? What if I’m so picky and not ready, that all the interested men leave and I end up alone? Ahhhhh!
Also, in my mom’s discussion with my aunt, my mom even noted the fact that the girl said “yes” to the man before she graduated and became a licensed doctor. She talked about how the girl didn’t want to wait till she was doctor so that it won’t intimidate and drive the man away. Implying that her medical degree would have been a threat to potential suitors who will feel like they don’t measure up to her level.
And I was just wondering like, God what will happen to me? Am I going to end up alone?
Or should I just settle for who is available right now?
What is the possibility that someone better will come in the future?
Honestly, I never ever imagined being in this boat, thinking these thoughts. I used to feel sympathy towards people in these shoes, believing quite strongly that I will never have to think these things. But here I am, and damn! The thoughts are frightening. If me, at my age, is feeling like this, how are the single ladies in their late twenties, thirties, etc, feeling? Hopefully I wouldn’t have to find out.
Most persons that know me would usually refer to me as a feminist most because I don’t give much thought to all these gender roles and women carrying marriage on their head but then, reality sucks! So bad.
So here I am seeing proposal pictures, traditional and white wedding pictures and the first thing that runs through my mind is… When will it be my turn?
My mind is seriously surprising me, like where are all these thoughts coming from? When did I start thinking like this? Since when did I become so concerned about this marriage stuff?
Is it biological or something?
Who knows, maybe there are some hormones in charge of reminding us about stuff like this.
It’s not like I am even desperate to get married right now but, there something else inside me that is being desperate on my behalf LOL. Sincerely, I do not understand myself anymore, the matter seems beyond my control.
But… I did not come this far to only come this far. I mean, I’ve been waiting for the God thing since and now, just because my body is making me feel in a particular way, I’ll just rush and settle for anybody? No o.
I will wait. I will wait for God’s leading and His approval; with God on your side, you can’t go wrong.
I cannot start following a biological clock when I serve the One who has the times and seasons in His hands.
Truly and understandably, the fear of the unknown births so many what ifs:
What if I end up alone?
What if nobody wants me?
What if I never have a boyfriend not to even talk of getting married?
I think it’s only normal to feel these things, have all these concerns and questions. The feelings will surely come, but it’s our response to them that makes the difference.
I just hope that we (including me) can learn to completely entrust an unknown future to a known God who never fails.
“For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.” (Matthew 6:32)